SAMIR Carruthers p***** in a glass. James Collins poured it out. Wow. What a pair of degenerates. What a disgrace. What a stain on humanity.
What an overreaction, more like. We've got plenty to worry about at the moment. Conflict in the Middle East. The looming spectre of a renewed Cold War.
A mad-eyed loon on the cusp of becoming a presidential nominee. An economy in reverse.
But what was blazed across the front page of The Sun? That's right, a couple of young blokes who p****d in a class. Get a grip, man.
The Daily Mail, predictably pious, described a ‘debauched', ‘sickening act' as if Carruthers and Collins had butchered a puppy or violated Sprinter Sacre in the winner's enclosure.
We were told how Zara Phillips was ‘shocked', as if we're supposed to care about the sensibilities of a woman so pampered she'll never have to work a day in her life.
Reader comments – always funnier than a night at the Comedy Store – were even more deranged.
“They should be brought before the Court for indecent exposure and banned from playing football for at least 6 months with no pay,” said one. “They are a disgrace to the country.”
Or this fella, from Oxfordshire. “They (footballers) think they are gods and can get away with anything these days.
“This sort of drunken display would never had been even thought of in days gone by, let alone played out.
“They are a disgrace to the human race! Animals are better behaved than this bunch of idiots.”
I'll say it one more time, just in case you thought you'd stumbled upon some kind of war crimes expose. We're talking about peeing in a glass, then pouring it onto an empty lawn. At the races, a place where hammered blokes in suits have done far worse.
Yes, Carruthers made a mistake in the sense that he was a footballer and – all together, now – a role model to kids. That's why he apologised. But did you act with total propriety when you were 23 and on the razz?
Were your drunken escapades a signal of some deep-rooted depravity?
Of course not. You were young, daft, and having a laugh. There's no shame in that. The overblown reaction to the escapades of Collins and Carruthers is a classic example of the culture of outrage inadvertently spawned by social media.
Every minute of every day, legions of keyboard warriors are just waiting to take offence, demand apologies and unleash bile.
Rarely can a celebrity open their mouth without being accused of racism, sexism, loutishness or some other perceived injustice.
Just look at the furore that surrounded Top Gear's stunt at Whitehall.
All they did was pull a few wheelspins near the Cenotaph, a monument erected to men who died defending freedom of expression.
Yet the hoary old favourites – “disrespectful”, “disgraceful”, “thoughtless” – were all wheeled out, duly followed by weedling apologies from the BBC.
Why? They did nothing wrong beside upset a few attention-seeking sad cases.
Ten years ago, nobody would have cared if a Championship nobody dodged the toilet cue by filling a pint glass.
Now, driven by a prejudiced perception of young footballers and fed by a culture of faux outrage, it is national news.
That says far less about the character of Carruthers and Collins than it does about the confused priorities of a society hell bent on moral censorship.
Carruthers and Collins didn't let their families down. They didn't let the community down.
They certainly didn't deserve a savaging on the front pages.
All they did was something a bit silly and a bit minging.
Now can everybody climb off their high horses, give the saintliness a rest and stop bleating like Mary Whitehouse.
